Category Archives: Friendships

Very first heartbreak

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Very first heartbreak

Why hello, this will be a fun subject to write about, my very first heartbreak. It’s a non-romantic one actually. But I remember it was my very first real heartbreak, it was so painful I still kinda can feel the burn yet today. But that’s because I’ve had similar heartbreaks, but still.

I was about… I don’t know but I think I was in second or third grade. It was a real best friend break up. Let’s call my best friend Emilia, and the other girl I’ll be mention Josse.

It was one break after lunch I ran out to catch up with Emilia who’d actually been acting somewhat weird and distance lately. I finished my lunch so I could go out and play with her in the woods like she and I always did. Instead of me finding her she caught me and said she wanted to talk, she had Josse with her and they took me to one of the rooms the school had and closed the door. They stood and asked me to take a seat, so I did obviously, and also not so oblivious to the situation, I was still kinda prepared on what would happen.

When I sat there and looked at then, Emilia put her hands together and looked down to the floor for a while before she looked over at me with somewhat of sad eyes but not out of sorrow but pity, I hated it. I hate to be pitied like that, it’s just terrible. So me kinda knowing what was coming she then would say “I don’t want to be best friends anymore.”. It stung, it was like a huge stab right though my heart, and then whatever stabbed me would pull out and this cold wind would pass the bleeding whole of emptiness. Pointing over to her new ‘best friend’ she looked at me both of them and Emilia would say “Josse is my new best friend.”.

Yes, it was so cliche movie break up! It really was it felt like me and Emilia had been like an official couple and she found someone else and would break the news to me like that. I laugh at it now because how like I said, cliche the moment was, and to make it even more fun.
My reaction was really the ‘I’m the man in this relationship’. I just looked at both of them before even saying anything, there was nothing to say I kicked away the chair before I left completely shot open the door and slammed it shut, rushing away. And she tried for a single second to follow me. But she gave up.

I was sad, I really was it was painful, everyone in my class then was paired up, they all had a best friend they hung with but me, I was the one sitting alone watching over the playground and just… Being me. I had a few friends who’d come to me and ask if I wanted to play with them so I wasn’t completely alone, I just didn’t have a best friend anymore is all. And if it was now, I wouldn’t have let her hurt me as much as eh did, she was never really a good friend to me. But it’s fine now, it’s been a long while and I’m alive! See? Everything is always fine in the end, now I have something similar like that to deal with… But…

I’ll be fine!

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Lord-y friend

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Lord-y friend

I once stopped deciding to make close friends because I knew how painful it was to lose them. But after a few years of shutting myself in I decided to make some friends, of course it was online friends… But something. I met one friend I liked a lot, I felt comfortable with him and he was just one of my best friends I felt. We talked everyday, shared stories and links. I was always there to listen to his rants, give opinions and advice or just say ‘I understand’, cuz I did. He was one of the persons I loved to talk to, look forward to the next chat and so on. One day we had a bit of a misunderstanding and he got angry at me and I was so confused I tried to figure out what was wrong and what I did… I don’t remember what he said but it kinda just made me very sad so I just close my computer and left it like that for a little over an hour and when I went back in again I got a message from another friend, let’s call him Rick… So, Rick pretty much as soon as I got back again messaged me and asked if I was alright, I told him everything and he just spent the whole night with me, talking about what happened and he trying to cheer me up.

Next day I tired to talk to him again, another kinda mild fight broke out with my friend who we will call Lordy. I really wanted to get out what I was feeling without him taking it the wrong way… After a while of talking, I decided it was best for me not to talk to much and I rather just get things right again. But we made up and talked about it, he felt bad for the misunderstanding but I told him I understood how he felt and forgave him… However whatever happened with me and Lordy, Rick always got to know. And Rick didn’t like Lordy at all, but I shrugged it off….

Later in out friendship I got to hear from Lordy that he liked me, a bit more as a friend and… Idiotic me, told Rick everything Lordy said to me. And Rick didn’t like it one bit, he didn’t really believe it, I think… But I shrugged it off, scolded him whenever he said something back because Lordy after all was one of my dearest friends… Once he gave me a lecture (lordy) a few actually.. And I told Rick about them and he kind of had enough so he told me to put us in a group and I did.. Another mistake I shouldn’t have done cuz Lordy didn’t like that I’d shared the things he’d said and told me how I’d broken his trust, ect. And I know I did, I feel ashamed of it and I tried to apologize but a sorry is not enough, I don’t know what is.

Rick and my sister told me a few times what a jerk he was that he only wanted in my pants and didn’t really care for me. I always got angry when they said something like that. But Lordy have ignored me big time, and… I really really miss him, so bad. But I kinda believe them now, for someone who said they cared so much and how much I meant to them, they have so easy for themselves to just ignore me and throw me away out of their lives. I believe them when they say he never really cared for me. He told me otherwise, but I haven’t been proven that… But that doesn’t matter anymore what I feel, it’s in the past and it’s something I now have to get over. It’s hard, he meant a lot to me and after a fight we once had I sent him a video and he said “I was never king” but I don’t think he ever realized how much of a king he was to me… Now.
Now he’s a jerk, a jerk that I’ll miss, that’s for sure. But I’ll cope. I have those who really care for me, and will support and help me.

But even if he was a jerk at the times, there’s moments I just miss, like spamming songs back and front, relatable, non-relatable. Talking about the past, fun memories and things that might happen.
Meh.

I’ll be fine.