I once stopped deciding to make close friends because I knew how painful it was to lose them. But after a few years of shutting myself in I decided to make some friends, of course it was online friends… But something. I met one friend I liked a lot, I felt comfortable with him and he was just one of my best friends I felt. We talked everyday, shared stories and links. I was always there to listen to his rants, give opinions and advice or just say ‘I understand’, cuz I did. He was one of the persons I loved to talk to, look forward to the next chat and so on. One day we had a bit of a misunderstanding and he got angry at me and I was so confused I tried to figure out what was wrong and what I did… I don’t remember what he said but it kinda just made me very sad so I just close my computer and left it like that for a little over an hour and when I went back in again I got a message from another friend, let’s call him Rick… So, Rick pretty much as soon as I got back again messaged me and asked if I was alright, I told him everything and he just spent the whole night with me, talking about what happened and he trying to cheer me up.
Next day I tired to talk to him again, another kinda mild fight broke out with my friend who we will call Lordy. I really wanted to get out what I was feeling without him taking it the wrong way… After a while of talking, I decided it was best for me not to talk to much and I rather just get things right again. But we made up and talked about it, he felt bad for the misunderstanding but I told him I understood how he felt and forgave him… However whatever happened with me and Lordy, Rick always got to know. And Rick didn’t like Lordy at all, but I shrugged it off….
Later in out friendship I got to hear from Lordy that he liked me, a bit more as a friend and… Idiotic me, told Rick everything Lordy said to me. And Rick didn’t like it one bit, he didn’t really believe it, I think… But I shrugged it off, scolded him whenever he said something back because Lordy after all was one of my dearest friends… Once he gave me a lecture (lordy) a few actually.. And I told Rick about them and he kind of had enough so he told me to put us in a group and I did.. Another mistake I shouldn’t have done cuz Lordy didn’t like that I’d shared the things he’d said and told me how I’d broken his trust, ect. And I know I did, I feel ashamed of it and I tried to apologize but a sorry is not enough, I don’t know what is.
Rick and my sister told me a few times what a jerk he was that he only wanted in my pants and didn’t really care for me. I always got angry when they said something like that. But Lordy have ignored me big time, and… I really really miss him, so bad. But I kinda believe them now, for someone who said they cared so much and how much I meant to them, they have so easy for themselves to just ignore me and throw me away out of their lives. I believe them when they say he never really cared for me. He told me otherwise, but I haven’t been proven that… But that doesn’t matter anymore what I feel, it’s in the past and it’s something I now have to get over. It’s hard, he meant a lot to me and after a fight we once had I sent him a video and he said “I was never king” but I don’t think he ever realized how much of a king he was to me… Now.
Now he’s a jerk, a jerk that I’ll miss, that’s for sure. But I’ll cope. I have those who really care for me, and will support and help me.
But even if he was a jerk at the times, there’s moments I just miss, like spamming songs back and front, relatable, non-relatable. Talking about the past, fun memories and things that might happen.
I’ll be fine.